Friday, June 22, 2012

The Resurrected Family Part 2: He Calls Me Daughter

Daughter. Not a very difficult word. But for a long time for me, it was. I never liked the word. I grew up around a bunch of boys. I was the only female cousin. That made family events hard. All the "boys" would do their boy things, but I wasn't quite old enough to sit at the table and talk with the "ladies". I felt alone because of it. Left out. But more than that, left out because I didn't quite measure up. Not quite good enough for anything. So, for me, being a daughter was not what it was cracked up to be.

Then came Rick. He reminds me so much of my Dad and he says I remind him of his daughter, Micki (which I do, Micki and I are like sisters separated at birth!). It started a little jokingly, but now it fits because it's as real as real can get, but I would call him "Dad" or "Daddy" when I would see him and he would call me "Daughter". At first I remember thinking "Daughter? Why would he call me that where there are so many other great words he could use?" But, part of me liked it because when he said "Daughter" it was spoken with such love and joy, it made it a sweet word. And it's stuck ever since.

Then one day a few weeks ago I went looking for one of my favorite passages in Scripture. I love Dr. Luke's account of the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years with no relief. I always found a reflection of myself in her story. This particular day I was having an extremely difficult time dealing with a physical issue that I had been battling for nearly a year, with very little relief. So I went to my favorite lady from scripture to gain a little encouragement to get through the physical agony of the upcoming day.

I flipped open my Bible and found the familiar pages of Luke 8: 42b- 48.

"As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
 'Who touched me?' Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, 'Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.'
But Jesus said, 'Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.'
Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told him why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, 'Daugher, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.'"

My eyes locked on the word. Daughter. Right there in black and white. Jesus called her Daughter. He knew her name. He knew that she was the one who had touched Him, even prior to her confession. He could have called her a thousand different names, but He chose Daughter.

And for the first time, I saw that word as a wonderful, beautiful thing. I realized that the way that Rick calls me Daughter, which such joy and love and acceptance, is just a small glimmer at how God calls me Daughter. I realized, that even though her faith had healed her, He loved the sick woman as she was, with her illness and all. He loves her sick and He loves her well, nothing can make Him love her less.

And at that moment, I realized that God loves me like that, too. Sick or healthy, He loves me. He loves me when I look and feel healthy and beautiful and He loves me when I can hardly stand to be in this physical body any longer and am longing to go Home.

The word Daughter has taken such new meaning for me. I love it that God calls me Daughter. And I love it how I can hear a glimmer of His glorious voice in Rick's voice when he calls me by the name that God has given me.

I am taking to heart the whole sentence that Jesus said to the sick woman. "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace." So much comes from that little sentence. It's like God wrote it just for me. "Daughter", that's who I really, truly am.  "Your faith has healed you", I'm trying to keep the faith that you will continue to bring about healing to this earthly body, Lord, until You take me to my eternal home. "Go in peace", my life's journey. Peacemakers who sow in peace will raise a harvest of righteousness (James 3:18) and the fruit of that righteousness will be peace; its effect will be quietness and confidence forever (Isa 32: 17).  Shalom.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

The Resurrected Family Part 1: Ponderings of Restoration

I am convinced that God is nothing short of amazing. He is able to take the most broken, destroyed, thrown away things and turn them into something more beautiful than could ever be imagined. All I have to do is take a look at my life, at the true testimony that God gave me to see how miraculously He works in our lives. I want for nothing more than for the life I live to glorify Him.
To say that I grew up in a dysfunctional home is to chip the iceberg. I remember how we would joke about how dysfunctional we were, like it would make it better, less dysfunctional, normal. I had no idea then, but the upbringing I received would effect me into adulthood. It left each of us with more wounds and scars than we could possibly imagine. Some how we became messed up beyond comprehension and our own ability to mend the hurts. Or at least it did me.

I ended up like a piece of broken pottery. Just shards of brokenness. Missing who know how many pieces. Some of my first memories were of this very brokenness. For a long time it was so painful to look back on those memories, all I could do was do my best to suppress them and pretend that they never happened.

In the end, our family finally ended up physically broken. My parents divorced, I had issues with each parent (my relationship with my Mom took the worst beating; we hardly spoke for nearly 3 years) and there grew to be a large gap, both physical and emotional, between my once close brother and I.

But He gives us more grace. God has been so good to bring me healing and restoration. The last few years especially. I have been freed from some mighty strong strongholds and have had countless bad feelings attached to countless bad memories wiped away by the very fingertips of the Lord. And I have seen how He restores.

God doesn't just restore. He RESTORES! Scripture is right when it says that He gives you double for your trouble. He not only will restore back what was lost, but will give you extras. These extras are not to reward you for getting through the hard stuff, but He gives them to us just because He loves us. I have never seen God's love more strongly than I have these last few years.

The restoration I've received has helped to change the person I am. I believe that you can not really have an encounter with God and not be permanently changed. And the change is always for the better. The change may be subtle and maybe only you or a few chosen will see it, but change none the less happens. A true relationship with God will always bring wholeness. A completeness that can't be found anywhere else. That is a true gift from God. For I was once like broken pottery, utterly ugly and useless with no true form; just fragments of what I was supposed to be. But, He is the ultimate Potter. He is the only Potter I know who can take broken pottery pieces and turn them back from fire-hardened pieces into soft, supple clay. And then take that clay and reform it into something more beautiful and more useful than before. Only He can make a life truly changed, every cell, from the inside out.

And the restoration that He brings is not just on the inside. It's on the outside, too. I can now boast that Christ is actively restoring all of my family. I have great relationships with both of my parents. My Mom, who I barely uttered a word to for so long, and I now talk multiple times each week, sometimes multiple times a day! And the deep conversations on Scripture we share, I wouldn't trade for all the yoga in India. My parents each remarried and I am so thankful that I those relationships are working toward restoration, too. I am very fortunate that my Step Dad is a shining example of what Christ can do when you let Him have His way. I am eagerly awaiting the day when my husband and my step father meet for the first time. And my distant brother is still physically distant, but God has opened doors of communication and we have spoken more in the last few weeks via a phone call and email than we have in the last few years. If that were not enough, God has brought another Godly couple into my life. I like to call them my Spiritual Parents. They are an extra mother and father, who, although we've only known each other for a short while, are like an extra set of parents to me. A couple who loves me unconditionally and I know I can call any time, day or night. God has used Rick and Eileen in so many ways to it encourage my walk with Christ. I often say I'm the luckiest girl in the world because I have 6 parents who love me unconditionally; all given to me by my Heavenly Father who loves me more than all 6 combined and multiplied by ten thousand. A far cry from a little girl who felt unlovable.

When I look back over my story, the story God gave me, I often have wondered why He had me go through such a difficult upbringing. Then when I see the good that He is doing in my life now, I understand why.  It amazes me what He has done. Only He can get the glory for this. And that's how I want it.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Yoga and Christian Contemplation Retreat at The Monastery of The Holy Spirit

 I had the most wonderful time at The Monastery of The Holy Spirit in Conyers, GA a few weeks ago. I went for the weekend Yoga and Christian Contemplation retreat and had an amazing time! The Monastery is the most peaceful, restful place on the planet.  I have never been able to slow down and come to such a place of peace in my body, mind and soul. I arrived on Friday evening stressed and wore out after a stressful week and left more relaxed than I've ever been.

The retreat was led by a wonder yoga teacher, Tyler, and a monk, Father Tom. The yoga that Tyler led us in was just up my ally, gentle with just enough challenge to keep it interesting. The contemplation talks that Father Tom gave were incredible. He is by far one of the most interesting men I'd ever listened to. When he spoke it was as if he was about to spill long kept holy secrets to unlock the universe; he had you captivated with every word he spoke.

The meditation talks were chocked full of well practiced knowledge and love making the principles easy to apply to out meditation practices. I went in with an open mind and realized that the style of meditation that I already practiced was in line with the teachings that were being discussed. It was a wonderful retreat to deepen my practice and come into deeper communion with God.

I learned so much in that short weekend. One of the biggest things that I took away from it is that God is everywhere all the time. I know that sounds rather elementary, but it come upon me afresh that weekend and continues to stay fresh. Father Tom had mentioned about how God is ever present, but He only chooses to manifest Himself at certain times and in certain ways. When we come into a time of meditation or contemplation with Him as our focus, we must remove any and all obstacles that hinder us from a closer, deeper relationship with God. Father Tom often reminded us that we need to come, as we are into the presence of God, just as He is. He talked about how really we can't begin to grasp God with our earthly minds and how ultimately, we don't even really know ourselves, so we must let go of everything, all previous knowledge or thoughts on who we are and who we THINK God is. Only then, after we have released ourselves from the bondage of what we think, are we really able to come into the presence of the Creator.

I spent many hours that weekend in prayer, and yoga and mediation practice, both in class and out of class. And I had gone into the weekend with the idea that this was a weekend away with God. And thought I was in the most peaceful place, with a calm mind, I was really shocked that I felt like I hadn't really "experienced" God. To be honest, I was a bit disappointed, but I consoled my spirit with the knowledge that the peace that I was able to experience was God. I realized that I was anticipating God to manifest Himself to me in a special way, as He had done before in my meditation practices. Then came Sunday morning. I had full intention of attending the mass service, but I just couldn't quite make the time lines (mass goes daily at 7am). Since I was running a bit behind I decided to spend some time alone with God in His Word at my favorite spot on the property, down by the lake. I grabbed my Bible and headed down. As I went down to the shore, God was waiting. It surprised me that I didn't "find" God in the yoga or meditation or even in the mass, but instead He met me right where I was down by the lake. We sat and watched the sun rise up over the lake together. Not a creature was stirring, no geese or ducks on the shore (which was the first time all weekend). Just peace and solitude. There was a fog over the lake as the sun rose quietly in the east. I don't remember what scriptures we read, but after we were done, eyes and heart wide open, I had what has become one of my favorite moments, just sitting quietly and being with God. Not expecting anything from Him, not feeling like I "had" to say anything. Just existing and basking in His Presence and love. It was at that moment that I was able to realize and put into practice everything that I had learned over the weekend.

No, not every practice has sweetness like that moment, but each meditation practice I do will bring my soul closer to Him and will give Him the opportunity to minister to my heart. I am so thankful for this trip and I can't wait to go back.


The view from my window. A view of the meditation garden

 My home away from home, the Retreat House

The Front of the Church
It was still Easter season on my visit; this was the beautiful cross at the entrance to the church



The inside of the church, all the windows are covered in hand made stained glass made by the monks.
The court yard between the Retreat House and the Church. Heather and I ate a few meals out on the lanai on the left.

 
Above Left: One of my fav spots, beneath the ginkgo trees
Above right: A bench in the park like grounds
St. Francis decorated for Easter

The meditation garden behind the retreat house. Koi pond and the perfect spot to stop and chat with the Lord.


Left: Only when you slow down and become present in the moment and look around do you see lots of hidden treasures all around the monastery grounds.
Right: One of the stations of the cross along a trail in the woods by the lake.
The trail coming from the lake to the retreat house

Best morning ever.
Sunrise over the lake on Sunday morning. :) Peace and serenity, the way God intended.

The gifts God bought me for my yoga room: a monk made sand casted Holy Spirit symbol and an Israeli blue Shalom tile. <3 I had asked Him to find me something that had Shalom (my mantra and the prayer word I used all weekend in the meditation practices) on it and the first visit to the gift shops came up dry. The second and final visit to the gift shop, just before I left the Monastery, and lo and behold, my eye caught this tile. It wasn't there the afternoon before. Only God. :) <3