James: Mercy Triumphs

James. I must admit that I never thought that I'd ever do a study on the book of James. Truth be told, I wasn't even that super interested in doing it when I heard that it was coming out. I knew it was time for another in depth study and since Amy wanted to do James, I was going to do it with her. As I sit and type this, I wonder which of us got more out of this study. God has really been working on me during this study. It's hard for me to determine if it was because of the study or if it was just because He's God and I just so happened to be in this book. It doesn't really matter, I suppose. Either way, He worked some wonders through me.

This study was built a little more different than previous Beth Moore studies. In James she created different levels of participation. Level 1 was just watching the videos. Level 2 was videos and homework (for those who have done a Beth Moore study in the past, you know the homework alone can be intense). Level 3 consisted of Levels 1 & 2 & handwriting the book of James. Level 4 was Levels 1-3 plus reading some articles Beth's daughter, Melissa, wrote and included in the workbook. And finally, Level 5 was all 4 levels plus memorizing the book of James.  I thought the different levels were very interesting and I decided I'd go up to level 4. I was really going to push myself and try to hand write the book. I figured reading Melissa's short articles would be a breeze. I thought for sure those who chose to MEMORIZE the WHOLE book of James were out of their minds.

So, without knowing what to expect, I started handwriting the book of James. Slowly, painstakingly, I wrote every word that James penned so long ago. It was a very interesting process. I've never written down the scriptures that were used in Bible study before. Unless one jumped out that I wanted to write in my scripture spiral. This was a completely different exercise. God really used this time to help write these scriptures on my heart.  At times it was it was difficult to force myself to do, but I also looked forward to it each day. It was a precious time that I got to spend with God. Forever more I will be able to look back at my own handwriting and see what God helped me accomplish and remember the sweet times that we have spent together going through those ancient words.

But God is still working on me. He's not done with me yet, Praise His Holy Name! It has been during this study that He showed me an area of my life that I needed to get under control. I'd tried and failed to do it under my own power. I'm learning that all spiritual issues are like that. But this issue needed more ammo. The battle was waging and I would quickly run out of my resources. God showed me that what I needed was to have a supply of spiritual weapons that would not run out: Scriptures. I thought I'd try to read my scripture cards more. Failed. I tried to pray more when I would come under the enemy's attack. Epic Fail plus mental exhaustion. One thing remained. Memorization. I wasn't sure why it kept coming up. Besides, I couldn't memorize. I've always struggled with it, all my life through school I struggled to memorize anything. There was no way I could memorize scripture. But more and more God pressed on my heart that He wanted to me get His book not just on my heart through writing James, but into my head by memorizing it. After a little time, what I thought was so crazy suddenly seemed sane. I guess that's what happens when you get pushed to the edge of something so much bigger than you. Things that used to seem way out there are really very much within reach. So, I started. Some days its a struggle. Some days I'm too mentally pooped to pick up my cards and try to remember more words. Some days I fall off the memorization waggon. But this I know: that He who created a good work in me will carry it on to completion and that He is using this task to renew my mind and help me to overcome some more strongholds.

I thought when we tackled a few Goliath sized strongholds that, those would be them. That I'd be free, finally. But, after one falls, another is brought up, and off to battle we go again. I am just so thankful that God will not stop working on me. I know He's making me into something beautiful for Him and I am so very thankful.

Finally, for His glory, my handwritten version of the book of James:

All I Can Do Is PRAISE!!!

Praise! Praise! Praise! Praise! PRAISE!!! That's all I can do right now. I feel like I've spent more time face down on the floor tonight than I have been sitting up. And those times that I have been sitting up, continuing about my business, my heart has been face down on the floor in praise. Now I know how Beth Moore feels when she says that she's so overcome with the need to prise God when she's writing that she types with only one hand because the other is raised in praise!

It is nothing short of AMAZING how God works. You ask Him for one thing. One small, thing. Something that there's no way you can do on your own and He goes and BLOWS YOUR MIND!!!! He says, "I'm not just going to give you this thing that you ask for, but I'm going to give you this, that, AND THE OTHER THING! Not because of you, but because I'm God and I'm GOOD!" Just when I think that He's working on one thing, He goes and starts doing a WHOLE bunch of other things that I figured weren't more important than what I know I needed.

Trust. I wrote it about a few days ago. WOAH! Let me tell you!!! Let me tell you! Let me tell you!!! I knew I couldn't do that one on my own. So I asked Him for His help because I'm such a screw up. I don't know where He finds value in me, but He does. Help me trust You, that was my prayer. WOAH! TOTALLY DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING TODAY!!! The focus, the intensity. That alone would have been enough. Then He goes and starts answering one prayer after another. Just when I think "this has got to be it for today", ANOTHER blessing! BLOWING MY MIND!!! It's hit me like a freight train. Like I'm a blind, deaf person walking down the tracks and WHAM-O!! I'm run over with these blessings I didn't see coming! These answers to prayers that I wondered if they would ever come to pass. Nothing short of AMAZING!

This evening, checking out Facebook. And I see the first edition of the e-newsletter from my church. It looks good. I read it. I don't even get half way though and it's like the Holy Spirit pushes me down!!! I couldn't get down on my face fast enough! Praise, Praise, PRAISE!!! After I recover a bit, I spread the latest of the good news. We text back and forth and decide that if someone doesn't remember the thing we want him to remember, we'll make sure he doesn't forget again. Within a few moments of that conversation, I'm flat on my face again. The Holy Spirit, the Great Reminder, has done his job! Totally didn't see that one coming.

It's getting late. Had to blog. Had to get this out. I'm torn between jumping up and down for joy or just turtling up again in PRAISE! HE IS SOOOOO GOOD!!!! Doing more than I can ask, seek or imagine. BLOWING MY MIND! He's got this thing. He's got me. Praise God! Praise God! Praise God! Holy, Holy, Holy!

Authenticity, Trust and Peace

It's been heavy on my heart. Authenticity. Authentic is defined as genuine, real. It stems from the Greek word, authentikos, translated as original, primary, at first hand, the one who does things himself. The one who does things himself... That phrase seems stuck in my head. You can't be authentic unless you do it yourself. Unless it's real and legit.

I feel like we are in a world where authenticity is hard to find. So many people try to put on a front. They wear a mask to show only the parts of themselves that they want I have revealed to the rest of the world. I have grown to see how much a huge disservice that is to ourselves and our Creator. When we wear a mask, we distance ourself from our true self. When we distance ourselves from our true self, I believe that we also distance ourselves from God. I can't help but to think that God is looking down on us longing for us to hear His voice saying "You don't believe that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, just the way you are? Perfection through Christ? Come to Me and I will help you overcome your unbelief."

So, Lord, I come. Let it begin with me. Its time to take off masks and break the chains of spiritual strongholds. I'm sure that I've got some belief issues. God hasn't bought those to light just yet, but He has made me aware that I have some trust issues. Maybe this is why I've been thinking of trying new things. Old things actually, stuff I've tried before, but never really accomplished. Like headstands and Zumba. They require a certain level of trust. Trust in yourself. Trust in those around you. Trust that God has got your back while you're trying something new and scary (i.e. do it afraid). Trust that God is big enough and powerful enough to bring restoration and healing to all brokenness, be it physical, mental, spiritual or relational. You've done it before in me. Why can't/ won't I trust that You will do it again?

I listened to a sermon today while I was at work. The teacher made the connection between trust and worry. How really they are one in the same. That when you worry, your ultimately doing God a disservice because you're saying that you don't trust Him enough to take care of you and your situation. Those of you who are reading this and know me best know I'm a worry wort. Always have been. I don't plan on being this way forever. The teacher talked about how when you worry, you become anxious and how the anxiety is a result of not fully trusting God. That results in a lack of peace.

Peace. Shalom. My mantra. Now that I've been learning about for a couple of years. Why God chose to teach me about peace and residing in His peace before He started me on this journey on trust, I'm not sure. Peace and trust and authenticity. I'm not sure what this tapestry will look like when God is done, but I bet it will be beautiful. Until then, I am learning that I must come to God not only with unbelief issues, but trust issues, too. Every moment, every day. I believe that only He can release me from these these chains of bondage (ones that I didn't even know I had) so that I can continue to lift my hands to praise Him. Abba, Thank You for continuing to carry out this good work in me, making me more Christ-like, until the day of completion. Shalom!

How Close

This thought hit me the other day: 

If the Devil watches me so closely to the point of knowing when certain things are happening or about to happen in my life, how much more closely does God watch over me?

If the Devil is watching me to see an opportunity to try to take me down, throw me for a loop, do anything to fall away from God, then how much more closely does God watch me?

The Bible tells me that He knows when every sparrow falls. He knows when I rise and when I lie down. He even knows exactly how many hairs are on my head (a number that changes by day, sometimes by the hour). He says that I am engraved on the palms of His great hands. 

I can not wrap my brain around God and on the days that I try, I am only awed at how much that He does love me. All I have to do is look around me. The beauty of a blue sky, green trees and puffy white clouds. The millions of colors He paints the sky with each sunset. The vastness of a great ocean stretching out for an immeasurable amount before me. 

He who created the earth, the seas, the heavens, He cares for me. The God of the Universe! The One who can do what He wants, when He wants, however He wants cares for me. How can this be? Me, with all my faults, failures and strongholds? Me? Are You for real? And, yes, me with my skin conditions that make me cranky beyond my own abilities to control? You still look at me and see something beautiful. The King of the Universe finds me breathtakingly beautiful even on my worst days when my skin is inflamed and uncomfortable and my hair is a mess. It blows my mind. 

He watches me so close. Knows my every move. Knows my every heart beat. Nothing that is happening to me now or anything that will happen in my future is a surprise to Him. And through it all, He will continue to love me for me. 

Forever will I be grateful and thankful.

<3

21 Days of Yoga

I finished the 21 Day Yoga Challenge from Yoga Journal Magazine a couple of days ago. The intention was to practice yoga for 21 days in a row and eat one vegetarian meal per day. It was great! Apparently it takes 21 consecutive days to create a habit and now I believe it.

To be honest the first couple of weeks were pretty easy. The hardest part was trying to come up with something new to keep myself entertained. The third week was near torture. By the time I hit week 3, I was really loosing my motivation to keep going and I was tired of my (by then) bland vegetarian meal. But, I pushed though and I persevered! I think days 18, 19 and 20 were the worst, but I was determined to see it through (and thankfully, a call to a close friend helped to provide the extra motivation I needed to keep going). And I am do proud that I did. :)

I have noticed a definite difference in my practice and am sooo thankful that I did this challenge. Honestly, I needed it. For a long while I think I had truly lost my practice. Being a yoga teacher is great, but I found that when I was practicing I was practicing for my students. Always thinking of them, how could I explain this asana better, how can I get my students to focus on this or that. In the meantime I lost what my practice was. My main goal in the challenge was to get MY practice back. To use my practice to worship God. To get back to the heart of it all. And it's working! I feel so much more alive now! Not just more physically awakened, but spiritually. Sure the physical benefits have been wonderful, but the spiritual aspect is what keeps me coming back to my mat. Just me and God, together. It's wonderful. God has blessed me so much and is continuing to use my yoga practice to deepen our relationship. I can't wait to see what He's going to do with it next.

A New Year

A new year is upon us. Like the dawn of a new day, we are thrust upon it. With the quiet of winter and the newness of a new year, my thoughts almost always turn inward. This year has been no different. So many things have been running through my head the last few weeks. Two things predominately. One is on where I am and the second is on where I am going.

The ugly truth about taking a long look in the mirror is that if you look long enough, you'll find something that you want to change. I think that may true not only at looking at your outward appearance, but also looking at your inner self. At your heart. At your intentions. None of us can take an honest look at ourselves and see perfection. I am so thankful that God doesn't see me this way. Being washed in the Blood definitely has its benefits.

As I often do, along with many others who spend winter in quiet self reflection, I end up with the desire to seek some form of self improvement. For some it's loosing weight, for others it's trying to become less stressed. Whatever your resolution, I encourage you to not set a goal, but instead set an intention. Goals differ from intentions in that goals tend to be rigid. And goals are fine, but often times goals lead to something more temporary. An intention in the other hand is different. An intention gives you a point of focus. It will be more broad than a goal. And when you, being human, fall off the bandwagon, an intention helps to pick you back up instead of making you feel guilty for not being perfect. I have learned that perfection is not reasonably attainable. Being good and doing your best is better. Perfection will not be reached in this lifetime; it is something attained only in Glory.

Which brings me to my other thought of the day. Sometimes God closes doors so he can open new ones. After I learned that Soul Shine would be closing I decided to start seeking a new place to practice on occasions. I picked out a few studios I'd like to try, but by the time that the studio's January schedules came out, only a couple of the classes that I selected remained. And those that did remain we're not my top picks. After much prayer over the situation, I have felt God's calling that He be my teacher for a while. One thing that Judith Lasater spoke about during the December call was that there are times when you need a teacher and then there are times when you don't. During the times that you don't need the direct influence of a teacher are the times when you let your practice (or in my case,The God of the Universe) be your guide. So, one of my new years intentions is to get back to my personal practice. Get back to enjoying my practice. To get a time to refocus. And most importantly, to give myself the opportunity to seek God in His temple. I know I'm not going to be able to practice every day like I would like. But I must remember to accept myself for where I am right now. And to be gentle with myself when I don't execute everything perfectly. After all, perfection in this life is fake. And I, for one, cannot and adamantly refuse to compete with fake. Shalom!

Dictatorship of Expectations

I had the pleasure of listening in on a conference type call where well known yoga teacher Judith Lasater spoke about home yoga practices. She had many great ideas about how to improve your personal yoga practice. But more than the ideas about what to do physically in my body and in my home, she said a couple of things that really hit home for me. One of which was how many people have a certain set of expectations in their minds of how their practice needs to be and they become discouraged when they don't meet those expectations.

It seems that there is rarely a time when God is not working on me. I, like many others, am almost always in a season of learning and growing. To add to it, nearly every "holiday season" God has lead me to deepen my relationship with Him through the process of reflection and evaluation and this year had been no different. This year's focus has been all about expectation. To be honest, God has been teaching me the truth about expectations over the last 2 years. Two years ago I never really thought about expectations other than what was expected of me at school or work. But God has shown me how we are constantly living under expectations, both those that are absolute and those that are formulated in our own minds.

I have realized over the last couple of months how much these expectations have negatively impacted my life. Of course not all expectations are bad. Only the ones that you allow to take root and begin to take over your life. I have decided no more! No more will I allow myself to live under the dictatorship of expectations! I have lived long enough feeling bad or guilty or whatever because I did or didn't do something for myself or someone else. I only have this one life on earth. Why should I feel anything but happy about the decisions I make? Life is too short to continue to live the way I have. I know it will take time and a lot of help from God to be freed from this stronghold, but I know it will happen and I will be a much healthier person because of it.