How Close

This thought hit me the other day: 

If the Devil watches me so closely to the point of knowing when certain things are happening or about to happen in my life, how much more closely does God watch over me?

If the Devil is watching me to see an opportunity to try to take me down, throw me for a loop, do anything to fall away from God, then how much more closely does God watch me?

The Bible tells me that He knows when every sparrow falls. He knows when I rise and when I lie down. He even knows exactly how many hairs are on my head (a number that changes by day, sometimes by the hour). He says that I am engraved on the palms of His great hands. 

I can not wrap my brain around God and on the days that I try, I am only awed at how much that He does love me. All I have to do is look around me. The beauty of a blue sky, green trees and puffy white clouds. The millions of colors He paints the sky with each sunset. The vastness of a great ocean stretching out for an immeasurable amount before me. 

He who created the earth, the seas, the heavens, He cares for me. The God of the Universe! The One who can do what He wants, when He wants, however He wants cares for me. How can this be? Me, with all my faults, failures and strongholds? Me? Are You for real? And, yes, me with my skin conditions that make me cranky beyond my own abilities to control? You still look at me and see something beautiful. The King of the Universe finds me breathtakingly beautiful even on my worst days when my skin is inflamed and uncomfortable and my hair is a mess. It blows my mind. 

He watches me so close. Knows my every move. Knows my every heart beat. Nothing that is happening to me now or anything that will happen in my future is a surprise to Him. And through it all, He will continue to love me for me. 

Forever will I be grateful and thankful.

<3

21 Days of Yoga

I finished the 21 Day Yoga Challenge from Yoga Journal Magazine a couple of days ago. The intention was to practice yoga for 21 days in a row and eat one vegetarian meal per day. It was great! Apparently it takes 21 consecutive days to create a habit and now I believe it.

To be honest the first couple of weeks were pretty easy. The hardest part was trying to come up with something new to keep myself entertained. The third week was near torture. By the time I hit week 3, I was really loosing my motivation to keep going and I was tired of my (by then) bland vegetarian meal. But, I pushed though and I persevered! I think days 18, 19 and 20 were the worst, but I was determined to see it through (and thankfully, a call to a close friend helped to provide the extra motivation I needed to keep going). And I am do proud that I did. :)

I have noticed a definite difference in my practice and am sooo thankful that I did this challenge. Honestly, I needed it. For a long while I think I had truly lost my practice. Being a yoga teacher is great, but I found that when I was practicing I was practicing for my students. Always thinking of them, how could I explain this asana better, how can I get my students to focus on this or that. In the meantime I lost what my practice was. My main goal in the challenge was to get MY practice back. To use my practice to worship God. To get back to the heart of it all. And it's working! I feel so much more alive now! Not just more physically awakened, but spiritually. Sure the physical benefits have been wonderful, but the spiritual aspect is what keeps me coming back to my mat. Just me and God, together. It's wonderful. God has blessed me so much and is continuing to use my yoga practice to deepen our relationship. I can't wait to see what He's going to do with it next.

A New Year

A new year is upon us. Like the dawn of a new day, we are thrust upon it. With the quiet of winter and the newness of a new year, my thoughts almost always turn inward. This year has been no different. So many things have been running through my head the last few weeks. Two things predominately. One is on where I am and the second is on where I am going.

The ugly truth about taking a long look in the mirror is that if you look long enough, you'll find something that you want to change. I think that may true not only at looking at your outward appearance, but also looking at your inner self. At your heart. At your intentions. None of us can take an honest look at ourselves and see perfection. I am so thankful that God doesn't see me this way. Being washed in the Blood definitely has its benefits.

As I often do, along with many others who spend winter in quiet self reflection, I end up with the desire to seek some form of self improvement. For some it's loosing weight, for others it's trying to become less stressed. Whatever your resolution, I encourage you to not set a goal, but instead set an intention. Goals differ from intentions in that goals tend to be rigid. And goals are fine, but often times goals lead to something more temporary. An intention in the other hand is different. An intention gives you a point of focus. It will be more broad than a goal. And when you, being human, fall off the bandwagon, an intention helps to pick you back up instead of making you feel guilty for not being perfect. I have learned that perfection is not reasonably attainable. Being good and doing your best is better. Perfection will not be reached in this lifetime; it is something attained only in Glory.

Which brings me to my other thought of the day. Sometimes God closes doors so he can open new ones. After I learned that Soul Shine would be closing I decided to start seeking a new place to practice on occasions. I picked out a few studios I'd like to try, but by the time that the studio's January schedules came out, only a couple of the classes that I selected remained. And those that did remain we're not my top picks. After much prayer over the situation, I have felt God's calling that He be my teacher for a while. One thing that Judith Lasater spoke about during the December call was that there are times when you need a teacher and then there are times when you don't. During the times that you don't need the direct influence of a teacher are the times when you let your practice (or in my case,The God of the Universe) be your guide. So, one of my new years intentions is to get back to my personal practice. Get back to enjoying my practice. To get a time to refocus. And most importantly, to give myself the opportunity to seek God in His temple. I know I'm not going to be able to practice every day like I would like. But I must remember to accept myself for where I am right now. And to be gentle with myself when I don't execute everything perfectly. After all, perfection in this life is fake. And I, for one, cannot and adamantly refuse to compete with fake. Shalom!

Dictatorship of Expectations

I had the pleasure of listening in on a conference type call where well known yoga teacher Judith Lasater spoke about home yoga practices. She had many great ideas about how to improve your personal yoga practice. But more than the ideas about what to do physically in my body and in my home, she said a couple of things that really hit home for me. One of which was how many people have a certain set of expectations in their minds of how their practice needs to be and they become discouraged when they don't meet those expectations.

It seems that there is rarely a time when God is not working on me. I, like many others, am almost always in a season of learning and growing. To add to it, nearly every "holiday season" God has lead me to deepen my relationship with Him through the process of reflection and evaluation and this year had been no different. This year's focus has been all about expectation. To be honest, God has been teaching me the truth about expectations over the last 2 years. Two years ago I never really thought about expectations other than what was expected of me at school or work. But God has shown me how we are constantly living under expectations, both those that are absolute and those that are formulated in our own minds.

I have realized over the last couple of months how much these expectations have negatively impacted my life. Of course not all expectations are bad. Only the ones that you allow to take root and begin to take over your life. I have decided no more! No more will I allow myself to live under the dictatorship of expectations! I have lived long enough feeling bad or guilty or whatever because I did or didn't do something for myself or someone else. I only have this one life on earth. Why should I feel anything but happy about the decisions I make? Life is too short to continue to live the way I have. I know it will take time and a lot of help from God to be freed from this stronghold, but I know it will happen and I will be a much healthier person because of it.

The Only Thing That Stays The Same

My Dad has always told me that "the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes". The older I get, the more I see this simple truth reflected through life.

Just over a week ago one of my best friends informed me that the yoga studio that she owns & operates will be closing. This is the studio where I have taken my yoga classes for nearly 3 years. This is the studio where I took my yoga teacher training and stretched my wings as a teacher (pun, totally, intended).

The news, although it doesn't surprise me, has hit a little hard over the last few days. I keep using the words that I told my friend to console myself. This is necessary to keep the business alive. If she were to try to keep the studio open and operating as it has, then the business would ultimately die.

Thankfully, God used yoga again to touch my heart. The bliss that I feel after practice always leaves my heart & mind soft for God's Word and ministering. Yesterday was no exception. Last night God used the bliss from yoga to bring healing to my heart and soul through Luke 17:33: "Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."

I am reminded of the words I used to comfort my friend: this will be a good move. Now our little yoga community is no longer confined to the four walls of a building. We are no longer bound by a schedule to keep. We are free. Truly free to share our yoga in a whole new way. We are free to touch our local community in a way that will meet them where they are. If we keep on and try to keep things the way they have been, avoiding this amazing growth opportunity, then in the end we will end up loosing. Meanwhile, if we change now, I believe that God will use this opportunity to do extraordinary things in and through each of us. Only time will tell what God's planning to do.

Acceptance: I Can't Compete With Fake

Ok. I know I say this every time I blog, but gee it really has been a while since I've been on here. Really, it only feels like a few day (a couple of weeks at the most). It reminds me of a saying that my parents told me time and time again growing up: "The older you get, the faster time flies". Or as my Dad sums it up "Time travels exponentially". Thanks Mom and Dad. It's scary to think about how right they were/ are. It's even scarier to think that if they were right about this, what else were they right about... Maybe I should have listened closer... hmmm...

I keep having this particular thought cross back and forth through my mind the last few week (ok, I'll be honest, months). And the thought is this: I can't compete with fake. Sure, I could make my best attempt at competing with fake, but in order to do so, I would need to adopt some "fake" tendencies. That I am not willing to do. I have been down that road before. Sure it starts out nice and paved, but before I know it I've unintentionally driven directly into enemy territory. I'm out of gas, stuck in the mud, and am surrounded by the unrelenting enemy. To top it all off, I'm in a hurricane and I've run out of bullets. Needless to say, since I made it out alive, I don't really want to take that short cut again. So, I don't allow myself the "luxuries" of fake. Instead, I have taken the "safer" route. The natural route.

But it's hard being natural in a fake world. Though I've surrounded myself with like minded friends (those who love, appreciate and encourage my natural side), I still find it difficult some days. Most days really. For me it's so easy to look at the inside of others and to not pay much attention to the package. But for some reason I struggle with treating myself with the same respect. Maybe it's because I know my strongholds. I know where I've been. I know I hold myself to a nearly unreachable standard. Why? Why do I struggle? Why does this have to be so hard? Why am I making this so hard on myself?

Start where you are. My friend, Heather, reminded me of this just yesterday in yoga class. It's a concept we discuss often in the studio. It's all about accepting yourself for how you are right now. Where you are right now. It's not about judging yourself or feeling guilty about where you feel like you should be, but about the here and now. True acceptance.

Love comes from within. I am so thankful that I'm a born again Christian. That I've got the living breathing God of the Universe living in my body. I want my body to be a nice, comfortable and clean place for Him to live. I believe that my body is His temple (1 Cor. 6:19-20). I have heard it stated that you can't show someone love unless you love yourself. Love comes after acceptance. I am thankful that through His grace and mercy I can love myself. Through His power and love, I can show others His love. Lord, thank You that though I am still a work in progress, You can still use me to show Your love to others.

I have also been reminded recently of a saying from Joyce Meyer: "I may not be where I should be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be!" Some days are still a struggle. I fear they may always be. But thinking back on where I've come from, how far God has brought me, helps to give me some courage to face the days when the view is more of a mountain than a mole hill.

Lord, please help us all to face the enemy head on, donned with our armor, with You as our banner and our rearguard. May our eyes be opened to see the the army that You have provided for us (2 Kings 6:17). The battle is not our own, but Your's, Lord. Amen.

Scripture for thought:

"Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence." ~Hosea 6:1-2

It's Over!

My yoga training is finally over! Really, it's kind of bitter sweet, but that's life. I must remember that it is just the end of the beginning. I've spent 100 hours in class training, countless minutes student teaching, and heaven only knows how long in study and preparation. Now, it's time for this little birdie to fly. Some moments I still feel inadequate, but I have to remind myself that God loves to use inadequate people to do amazing things for His glory. And that's what it's all about anyway. His glory.

At moments in time like these, I can not help but to reflect on all the changes in my life. Not just those since I started the yoga teacher training, but on the recent journey that God has been leading me. I have come to realize that I have been on a quest to seek myself over the last few years. And on that quest I have sought  high and low, near and far to find out who I really was. Who I thought that I wanted to be. Only I never found myself in the places that I looked. I found me in the last place I thought I'd find me: right where I left myself. The only difference is that I'm older, more mature, and more hip than I remember being before. Or maybe, I've stayed the same and the experiences I've had only served to positively change my self  image. And it's funny to me, how I find bits of God in me (it really shouldn't surprise me, I, just as everyone else who has ever lived, have been made in God's image). God showed Himself to one of His prophets, Elijah. Although, God did not appear in the "normal" places that one would seek for Him. He wasn't in the wind. He wasn't in the earthquake. He wasn't in the fire. He was in a whisper. The last place anyone would ever think to find the God of the universe would be in a small, tiny whisper.

I am so thankful for the new found freedom that God has been giving me. Taste and see that The Lord is good. And praise God- His mercies endure forever and ever!